Adore Him?

As Dave and I drove to work this morning I read a sign posted in front of a local church that read "come let us adore him - Friday Dec 24th 7pm." The skeptic within me wanted to ask that congregation "what does it mean to adore Jesus?" That probably stems from the fact that I can't really recall ever ADORING Jesus.(but of course I have sang that ever popular X-mas song "Oh come let US adore him") I have learned a little bit about adoration recently from Nash. He has a thing for his mother. Somehow no matter who else is around or what is going on, his eyes always seem to gravitate towards his mother. He gets a deep, loving look in his eyes and when she looks back at him he smiles. It's beautiful.
I have a thing for metaphors when it comes to situations like this. Situations where Love and Beauty and Relationships are main characters. So in thinking about Nash adoring his mother. I wanted to say that I wish I adored Jesus like that, that despite all the christmas parties and commercialism and gifts, my eyes would gravitate towards Jesus. Then I thought of it the other way, what if Jesus is adoring us. What if he is just staring at us with adoration and love in his eyes..... waiting.....waiting for our eyes to meet his.

Maybe there is a metaphor,maybe there isn't.

Either way I'm sure its way beyond my comprehension.

I

I am unable to will myself to change. I lack any form of self discipline. My foolish attempts at love and service are self serving and filled with alterior motives. I don't accept love unless it comes in the form I prefer. I - I - I. I am tormented by sinful desires and selfish ambitions. I am looking out for I. I am obsessed with I. I am in love with I. I wish it wasn't this way, I wish I could kill I. I will even convince myself that this blog is a step in the right direction. Yet I will check this blog day after day to see how many comments it receives, to see how loved I is.

NASH

I have a son, a little boy who hasn't stopped growing. I love calling him my little boy, I love being able to hold his whole body in my arms. I love watching him struggle to get his thumb in his mouth. I love watching him smile at his mom. I want him to stay small.
He likes to be wrapped up with his arms tight to his body. Sometimes, for a reason unkown to me his arms seem to flail as if he feels really unstable or unsafe or something. I have learned that when he is feeling this way if I put my thumb in his hands, hold his arms and pull them close to his body he calms down and sometimes falls asleep. It’s a beautiful moment.
Watching others interact with Nash has been really cool. I am surprised by how a baby can bring out the desire to touch and hold and kiss, Nash has received so much physical touch these last twelve weeks from so many of my friends and relatives, it is a neat thing to see people who you rarely see giving affection, doing just that. I wonder when people lose that desire to hold and kiss others? If we never stopped physically showing those around us that they are loved, how would our world be different?

this year

What if Jonah didn't know he was supposed to go to Ninevah? I have felt recently that Lizzie and I needed to make a decision soon about what this year was going to look like. We were either going to stay here and I would work for Youthworks, or pack it up and move back to Pine Ridge. I asked God repeatedly to help us in this decision. No answer. (at least that is hows it seems) So when the paper was put in front of me to work for youthworks this next year I froze. I just wanted an answer. I wanted peace that the decision I would be making was the right one. But peace never came, so I signed the paper and here I am. I don't regret the decision at all, I just wish I knew where God is bringing us.

7/6/09

This has been a special day. Really it started at 10:30 on sunday evening when Lizzies contractions started to come more and more frequent. Me, Lizzie Zach and Hope were under the impression that any minute we would be rushing to the hospital, we tried to keep ourselves busy with Catan, fill or bust, and even a dice version of shuffleboard we made up. Well it didnt happen as quickly as it seems and after a whole night of Lizzie having contractions every 4-10 minutes, at 6:00 am we decided to go to the hospital. Things never really got going enough to have a baby, but I will always remember this day. Today my wife screamed with pain every five minutes and I could do nothing but comfort her, she cried with a deep longing for results. We saw very little progress most of the day, and now Lizzie is in a drug induced sleep. I am laying in a couch typing this blog and every five minutes I put the computer down and I press one hand against Lizzies back and rub her cramping calf with my other, while she moans in pain. I cant seem to stop thinking that these drugs that promise pain relief and rest can not stop this pain that promises a miracle.

This pain in my back

Yesterday as I carried something up the stairs I felt a pain in my back. My body was telling me what I was carrying was to heavy. This is a new feeling to me,in my head I have always felt if I will myself to do something, my body will just do it. Yesterday that wasn't the case.

What if the responsibility of being a father that is slowly being placed on me is starting to weigh me down? I wonder if I wasn't going to be a father, would my back have hurt yesterday?

What if my back knew that soon it will be bending over and lifting a baby, and because my heart can't wait to lift up that little nashty boy*, my heart was telling my back to take it easy.

What if I'm just getting old?

Whatever the reason for the pain in my back. I wan't to believe that somehow subconsiously my body is preparing for fatherhood. I have this feeling that soon no matter what I do, my baby boy will be a big factor in my decisions. Maybe even my decision to lift heavy boxes.

But I felt the same way about being married, that somehow I would start to consider Lizzie in all my decisions. But thats not the case, I still make selfish decisions without regard for Lizzie.

I dont really know where I am going with this but it's almost as if a change is taking place in me and I can't really describe it just yet, but I can't wait.

*His name is gonna be Nash, and I'm gonna call him my little nashty boy.

and now.....

I'm back in minneapolis. People ask me alot if I miss Pine Ridge, or how it feels to be back. I don't quite know yet. I do know that I miss my friends in Pine Ridge. I do know that a 9-5 job can really suck the life from me. I do know that the eight months I spent in Pine Ridge were an amazing gift, a time to relax and learn and reflect on who I am. I do know that I haven't stop moving since I've been home. I miss the big skies in South Dakota, I almost feel as if trees and buildings and elevation changes distract me from the awe I felt when all I could see in every direction was more sky. I need to know how big my creator is. What if buildings are this conspiracy that satan has to block our view of the heavens. I can still see the sky here in Minneapolis, but it almost feels like I have to try hard. I feel like this is the case with my relationship with God also. I feel as if in Pine Ridge I was living in tune with God, like no matter what I was doing I was reminded that God was near me. Now I feel as if I have to work hard to see God in my daily life. So if you think of it ask me if I'm seeking God, ask me if I have looked up to the skies and stood in awe at my creator, because there are alot of buildings around me.

I did

I did what was expected of me
this or any honor is undeserved
you deserve more
What I say is for your sake
In other words its bullshit
im everything you expected
and now the hurt comes
but not for me, for you
I am nothing special
I did what was expected of me
you have been amazing
i try to raise hope
I speak with no regard for truth
im arrogant to believe anything about you
I would love a slap on the face
because that is what i deserve
I did what was expected of me

Sincerely, Always Confused

I have had lots of moments this year that have caused me to feel lots of different emotions, but then when I sit down at the computer I may not have the same enthusiasm or feeling I originally had about the topic. Which is kind of sad in a way because I feel like there are thing that are worth talking about or expressing to others, but maybe I shouldn't view circumstances in my life as how they could be interpreted to others, but keep them to myself and find out why or what these situations mean for me. That all sounds really confusing and probably not in perfect english so I'll try again. I feel like I have this desire to blog about how God is working in me, and because I want something from that feeling. Whether it be something beneficial like others opinions or prayers. Or something terrible like, people to view me as smart or spiritual (And if my terribleness has made you think anything good about me don't believe it) Either way "I want". I'm starting to think "I want" could be the slogan to my life ("soon I'll swallow people whole") But as I go through my week and I see and feel different things sometimes my first reaction is how can I interpret this amazing feeling to others. And this has happened to me alot this year, I almost feel as if God is putting me in certain places at certain times to see things, I couldn't tell you what the reason is for them, but I know that God stirs my soul in these moments. And I wonder if maybe I am unable to see why God puts me in these situations because I immediately take it and try to use it for my own benefit. "I want"

Maybe?

My friends Hope and Zach came for a visit last week. It was a really good time. We talked through our hopes for the next few years, which usually always came back to us moving to Hawaii for a short time. On Sunday in church Lizzie shared her fears of living outside of Gods will, which perked my ever present desire to know Gods will for my life. Our pastor went on to explain how its easier to know when your out of Gods will then when your in Gods will. To be honest It kind of frustrates me that I can't know Gods will ahead of time. Maybe its just me, but I don't feel like I get answers to questions like "What do I do next"? When I think about this (at least in my own life) I feel that God somehow wants me to make mistakes, that if He Isn't telling me ahead of time what to do, I'm left to make a choice. I have a feeling that if I was more in tune with God, by clearing my schedule of things that don't matter (a list that continues to grow) and actually spending time with the one who created me, maybe these choices I have to make would be affected by the Holy Spirit that lives in me. It's not that I think the Holy Spirit is not working with me in my current state, but maybe I'm not listening. These issues of hearing God, and knowing Gods will, perked from Hope and Zachs visit and Sundays sermon, have made for some interesting couple of days. On Monday morning I went into higher ground coffee shop to waste some time on the internet. Waste being the keyword. I sat down at my table with my coffee and the computer and felt like it was gonna be a good day. I reached for the coffee and I spilt it on the table and the computer. I didn't think much got on it but, It no longer works, so what do I know. Needless to say because my computer broke, I reached for my book Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. The chapter I was on talked about how God works outside of time, that for us what we call 1970 or today or tommorow are actually what God calls "now". This is a crazy concept to think about, but I feel like I experienced this same day. Later as I sat at home, Lizzie went to bed, and usually this would be the time that I waste on fantasy basketball, or looking for new music, but I had no computer. So I sat on my futon and relaxed and prayed shortly that I could hear and know God better, then I just listened. I didn't hear anything. I'm starting to think that God gave me a hint that night, I think that God answered my prayer before I even asked it, I think that God somehow caused my computer to stop work. Maybe I wasn't hearing Him because I didn't take the time to listen. It's crazy to think that If my computer hadn't broke that morning I may have never made the time to pray that prayer. I obiviously cannot say it was God for sure, but i hope it was.

My thoughts today

My year in pine ridge has been amazing, so many things have happened that I wouldn't have ever imagined. First one being, Lizzie getting pregnant. (crazy) Going in to this year it apppeared as if there was so many things going on and I worried I would be to busy with all that people could use me for. Today I am sitting in Higher ground

http://www.pineridgegospel.org/higherground/abouthg.htm

and thinking about how my perception of the "work" I do everyday has changed. On monday mornings I work in a empty office where I answer phones (probably five times all year) usually I spend a couple hours on the internet, and then I read.( I related my monday mornings to LOST. It's like I am pushing this button because I think its important to someone, but others may say it won't make a difference if I go or not)either way It's a good morning. On monday nights I am at the boys dorm in Pine Ridge. I have always viewed my monday nights as purely relational. We do arts and craft things but thats not what I enjoy. I enjoy hanging out before and after craft time and watching the boys play video games,(usually grand theft auto), and try to convince them to stop at every intersection, or see how long they can go without killing anyone. Or we argue endlessly about whether I am gay or not. I think because I try to tell the boys not to hit each other (which happens ALL THE TIME) and to love each other instead. Usually then the brokeback jokes come. Homosexuality on the rez is a weird issue, partly because I believe it's prevalent, but it is joked about and seen as a terrible thing, by ALL ages. (Sounds like another people group I know) It almost feels like the worst thing a person could do/be. Anyway I don't know enough about it to tell anyone anymore than I just did. On tuesdays I work at 555. It's a thrift store which always has busy work for us to do. I have started to spend less time inside, and more time sitting on the front steps with the Boys (as they call themselves) I have some of the most interesting conversations with the boys out front (the same boys I last blogged about.) On Wednesday night I "work" with Younglife. It usually entails three games of knockout then a short message, then a glass of juice and a few games. I think having something for the kids to do in Pine Ridge is great. It is a hard "job" for me because kids come and go from week to week, and I haven't been able to get to know many of them very well. On friday mornings I work with Partnership for housing. There are two ladies who work their, Pinky and Rosemarie, who are awesome. Usually I just do busy work for them as well, but the thing that I really like about my friday mornings is hanging out with them. They remind me alot of my Grandmother. They love to give me stuff, almost every friday I leave with my arms full, either with clothes or blankets or food or toothpaste. I am very glad to have the opportunity to work there. In a few weeks we have college students coming on a week long mission trip, (I want to interject a sarcastic theological comment here, because I feel like there is one, but I just don't know it) so when I think about the work that I do, and how they can join me with that I am worried that it might not "translate" into a week long trip, It takes a long time to gain peoples trust and respect, and if they just spend one day on the steps of 555 will they take anything from that? or will they just want to "witness" , so they feel like they did something. I don't know what the point of all this is, I guess it's just a glimpse into my current stream of thought. I haven't summed up how my perception of work has changed, so maybe I shouldn't have said thats what this blog was gonna be about, anyway PEACE!

Where are your border towns?

"Your from Minneapolis? Yep..Have you heard of peavy park? Yep, and Cockroach park,,,Right on man!" This is the usual exchange that takes place every time I sit by Tom at lunch. He is a 31 year old man who lived in Minneapolis, he played basketball until he was a junior and the he blew out his ankle. On any given day he can point out anyone else in the room and tell how he schooled them on the court when he was younger. I have learned that to get the most out of relationships with the guys in Whiteclay, I need to spend a few lunches letting them tell the things that they are willing to tell me ( a 24 year white boy who apparently is "wet behind the ears" at least thats what they tell me). Sometimes it can feel like a nursing home, what I mean is that for the most part people who eat lunch in whiteclay are usually intoxicated. So even though Tom and I have talked multiple times, he hardly can remember my name. So now I know that Tom loves to talk about basketball and Minneapolis, so now when I sit by Tom at lunch I can bring up the things that I know he loves to talk about. Sometimes talking to intoxicated people can be scary but sometimes when peoples reservations are removed it can be beautiful. I sat by a man at lunch today who I never talked to before, he immediately started telling me how he served in the air force and he used to jump out of planes at 10,000 feet. He couldn't have been more proud. He went on to tell me about his daughter who was a star basketball player, and his face beamed when he talked about her being invited to play in Australia as part of the down under games. Everyone at the table joined in his excitement over his daughter, which eventually turned into a contest to see who could say "Good day mate" with the best Australian accent. Then he went on to tell me about his mom and how she died nine years earlier. Fighting back tears he explained all she had done for him. He said once his mom asked him what he would do when she was gone which he replied, I'm a fighter mom, five years in the air force, I can fight through anything." It was clear he was still fighting and today was a tough day. I feel blessed to be able to share these moments with people. Every day feels like the first day of school. I may sit next to someone who wants to beat me up, or I may sit next to someone who is dying to bear his soul. Whatever happens with the rest of my time here, I thank God for the moments I have been able to share with all my friends in Whiteclay NE.