school Spirit

I am back in Minnesota. I was quickly reminded of what life was like. I have done more activities in the last couple of days then I have done in a long time. This morning is the first time I have been able to be alone, relax and read. I'm reading a really good book called "Jesus wants to save christians" It is about oppression and freedom and the Eucharist. I highly recommend it to everyone. I started my day drinking coffee with the Kinleys and Zach, now I'm sitting in a papason couch (no idea how to spell that) I was wondering if people in the sixties/seventies thought some of the same things I do about christianity (not that I am correct in any of my thinking) . I was thinking specifically about when the bible was taken out of schools. I know that most "christians" were probably all up in arms. I wonder if any were happy, I wonder if any thought that If the bible was now a choice not a tradition that it could make faith more sincere. I wonder if God took the bible out of schools?

A Love Child

To those who have not heard, Lizzie and I are having a baby. At first it put us in decision mode. (to stay or go home) We talked much, I can't say we prayed much, but then again I don't think it's about how much you pray. I had a moment on the big hill out behind our house where I stood quiet and just whispered "God...God....God" not for a specific reason, I just joined with the wind and the trees in there constant praising of our Father. God has opened doors for us to stay.(thank you Father) He has provided us a roof, a vehicle, healthcare, food. I'm ashamed that I need to know that my needs are going to be met before I make a decision, but I pray someday that I will "let the dead bury there own" and just go. We are staying, for how long I couldn't say. We have a plan to go home in April, but I might not even wake up tomorrow so why do I make plans for it? Being a father sounds crazy. Being responsible for a life is a feeling I can't quite describe yet. I have ideas of how to raise a child, but what do I know. I plan out crazy schemes to teach them lessons along the way (not quite like arrested development). I wonder how a man who is as wretched as I am can teach a child to be better than I am. I realize that Christ makes us righteous,therefore no one is better than another, but I, in my humanity judge by outside actions. I wonder if as a father I have the right to judge my child, will I know my childs heart? Will I punish actions done out of love? Will I force my will on my child? Will I act out of a love that keeps no record of wrongs? Will I be patient? Will I be kind? I can only hope to show my child Love. Love that hopefully speaks of who God is.

do blogs need to have a point?

Usually i takes me a few hours to write a blog. Reason being because I am a terrible sinner who thinks more of his pride than anything else. Father forgive me. I am laying on a futon typing on a laptop that has the screen aimed at my fingers to light the keys as I type. Thanksgiving came and went, and America (as it is told) shopped till it dropped. I originally typed a sentence about people changing, but I have erased it because they are not the problem, I am the problem. So I started painting recently... I couldn't tell you why I started but truthfully I am glad I did. You can check it out here http://iwouldnotcallthatart.blogspot.com/ or I have a link on my page under the other people section to your right. I can post my paintings easier than I write a blog because somehow I care more about how people perceive me (Father forgive me) than how people judge my talents-or lack thereof. I have thought a lot recently about the fact the Jesus was homeless. I feel as if I was never told this growing up. If Jesus didn't live to own a house and relax, why do I? or do I ? Hmmmmmm..... I miss lots of things about Minnesota (mainly people), but here I am, a low income white male living on a reservation learning how to teach an AA class. God works in crazy ways. I wish I was able to quiet the selfishness in me that screams for Maxwells with friends, and being able to tell good news in person, early morning coffee with friends, and seeing marriages grow. I'm terribly confused about where I am going with this so I'll call it a night. Grace and peace to you.

Books-Music-People

It's the time of year when people ask what you are thankful for. I will try to answer that question now. I am thankful that God moves people to write music and books that in turn have moved me to change. My views on almost everything have been slowly changing over the last year. Maybe it would be better said that I am starting to believe these views are truth, and in turn it is changing how I live my life.(thanks in part to the Inspired words of others) If I were to be honest about moving to Pine Ridge, at first I was unsure of the exact reason why. Not that I feel it was a bad thing because truthfully alot of my decisions are made with the same mindset. Kind of a "well lets see what happens." If I knew then what I do now I would tell you that I was moving to Pine Ridge to be connected with the suffering of the world. To live a life more like Christ (I have along way to go) To be a missionary to stagnant christians trapped in their american dream suburbia lives. To get away from the empire that hasn't stopped telling me how to live, and begin to learn another way. I am thankful for the people I have met here. I have seen Christ in many ways I never have before. I have seen people taking in others(relatives, mothers, even strangers). People who truly give themselves everyday to greater causes then there own. People who are fighting against the injustices and working for change. I have been so blessed by the people I have met. They make me aware of my selfishness and bring me to pray, "Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven" or as my friend Matt put it "I would diminish that You would increase."

Everybody Dance NOW!

I walked through Whiteclay Nebraska yesterday looking for an A&W Root Beer. (no one carries it, in case you were wondering) Anyway I saw a familiar sight which today stuck with me. Beneath a sign that says A's Auto parts, a group of homeless folks dance to any number of Bob Marley songs that are currently being played. Today the song was "Three little birds". "Don't worry about a thing because every little thing will be alright" blasts from from speakers into the streets of whiteclay and the people were dancing. There was more joy in whiteclay today then usual and the dancing was even more expressive. I wondered to myself if I would ever dance in the streets, if my soul could be stirred to shed my minds inhibitions. Then I started to think back of a concert I recently attended at 555 just steps away from where these folks were dancing. A band called Broken Walls was playing there unique style of worship. As the band played a song about dancing, there was only one man who was. His name is Patrick and tonight he put words into actions, whether it be the alcohol, or his personality, or his unabashed joy for the creator. I couldn't help but wonder what God thinks of a crowd of people sitting in chairs singing about dancing. C.S. Lewis says that "All scriptural images of heaven, are symbolic attempts to describe the indescribable, musical instruments are the thing in this present life which most strongly suggests ecstasy and infinity." No matter what the reason for the dancing that day in Whiteclay, (or during the concert) I wonder if somehow they understand something about heaven that I don't. That they feel God in a way I haven't yet.

Trees Water People

I helped an organization called Trees water people a few weeks back. We were planting trees to provide shade in the summer, and block the wind in the winter. I want to tell you about the process of planting trees on the reservation. After planting some trees and hearing of the struggle to keep trees alive here, it was reminescent of another struggle you may see on the reservation. The first thing you do when planting a tree is dig a hole. You need to break through the surface, depending on the location it may be easy or it may be very hard. After you get down 5 or 6 inches past the surface you reach the firm rocky soil. That's when the real work begins. A pick axe works great to break up the soil and rocks that have settled and hardened from years of being undisturbed. Once the hole is dug you set the tree in, and pack the dirt in around the base in hopes it will with stand the forces of nature to come. At this point most might think were done. The problem here is that it doesn't rain often, and the soil itself is not capable of giving the tree enough nutrients. It needs people to trim and water it. This place has been a mission field for a long time. The people heard the gospel from every different denomination you can think of. Some may have allowed themselves to open up, and talk about those undisturbed areas they keep hidden. Maybe even some have accepted christ, but they still need the nutrients of a loving christian community, to survive from the forces of darkness. God, send people with watering cans here to truly nurture and care for your beloved.

A childrens story

Follow along and I'll try to tell story (I can't prove its true) -A young girl grows up in a broken home. When she is really young she watches her older siblings start to attend a weekly kids program put on by church groups from all over the country.It looks incredibly fun. When she is finally old enough to attend the program she receives so much attention, she can get a hug or piggyback ride whenever she wants. Its a love she may not be receiving at home, and it feels good. At the end of each week she has to say goodbye to her "Friend" for the week. Then the summer ends and she has to say Goodbye for good. It's hard for her to explain how she feels. She knows the people who were here liked her, but she couldn't understand why they had to leave. After a few summers of the same, she starts to change, the good feelings once felt for new people become harder to achieve, she begins to expect people to leave. She starts to close herself off from these groups, and if she does attend she is destructive and unruly. Sometimes she even gets kicked out of the program. As she grows, she starts to realize that these type of church groups are in her neighborhood all the time. There are people painting houses, people building ramps, people raking yards, people doing lots of things. She wonders if others in her neighborhood feel the same. She wonders why people want to come to her neighborhood so often. She starts to feel like charity. She finds comfort in a group of kids who feel the same about church. They do whatever they want and continue to build up walls to everything church related. She may never doubt the way she originally felt about those groups, but she wishes she knew back then what she does now. She wishes she could go back and every time someone told her she was their friend or she was loved, she would say "Actions speak louder than words". And every time they would tell her about God she would say "What does God think about my dad beating my mom, or what does God think about my brother committing suicide" (and i bet that person would be shellshocked that this beautiful child even knew about those sorts of things, and if I had to guess that is probably only the tip of the iceberg of all the things she had seen) The truth is she felt love from those first groups, all those years ago. She felt affection and comfort and all the other things that lacked from her family life. The problem is she always needs to feel loved. She needs people around her who will always love her and care for her the way those groups did for such a short time. She needs to be told that she is beautiful and that her life is worth something. This story poses so many questions about what I am doing here, and the fact that as I meet people I have to tell them that I already have a plan to be leaving. It's disheartening, it makes me question if I really care about this place. I hope you will all be praying for me.

Under the sun

I took a field trip with the Pine Ridge Dorm boys and girls to Chadron for a movie (An American Carol) and some Mcdonalds. We ate our mcdonalds at the local park. I ate with a group of three high school boys, we started talking about life on the rez. They told me they don't like going home on weekends.( The dorms are open during the week not the weekend) They said there families don't want them there, they talked about drugs and alcohols appeal while staying at home. They talked about parties and girls and sex and all I did was listen. They kept reverting back to the fact that life sucks. In my therapist like questioning of there situations I asked if there was anything worth living for. There answer was "no", they said that there was no way anything could be worse than there lives now, that where they were now was Hell, and whatever comes next would be heaven. They are living in hell. In our preparation for this year the phrase "joining God in what he is already doing" was thrown around alot. Sometimes I question that God really is working here, It feels like a hopeless place. I am not a wise man, I don't have answers or explanations to why things are the way they are, but I'll leave you with some words from a wise man.

"Again I looked and saw all the oppression that was taking place under the sun: I saw the tears of the oppressed— and they have no comforter; power was on the side of their oppressors— and they have no comforter.And I declared that the dead, who had already died, are happier than the living, who are still alive.But better than both is the one who has not yet been, who has not seen the evil that is done under the sun." - King Solomon

"If ever you come near"

My friends Zach and Hope got married this weekend. It truly was an amazing wedding. There are lots of small moments from that day that will stick with me for a while. Rob Bell in "Velvet Elvis" talks about having to take off his shoes because he felt that the ground he was standing on was holy. During the ceremony I took my shoes off, I dug my toes into the ground and I just watched Zach and Hope looking at each other. It was a Holy moment. To combat my overwhelming emotions of the whole day I tried not to look directly at them. (I had to, snot was starting to drip on my nice outfit!) so I looking down at the ground in front of me and I lifted my head and I looked at Lizzie and I was overwhelmed with feelings for her. It took every bit of restraint not to reach out and hold her. It was as if I was feeling how God feels for Lizzie.(not that I know anything about it) It was an extreme longing, I truly adored her. I felt so many emotions that weekend that I haven't even been able to process them all, but I thank God for all of them.

"If ever you come near, I'll hold up high a mirror, Lord I could never show you anything as beautiful as you" - Aaron Weiss

Number 4

It truly is beautiful here. Our home is a luxurious two bedroom, one bathroom bungalow. I really don't even know what a bungalow is or if i am spelling it right for that matter. Anyways community living for Lizzie and I has been a gradual process. I mean we have had roommates for the past 8 months, but it wasn't very intentional. We now live with Sharon and Alissa (our teammates) we share our single bathroom, all our food, each others cell phones. I find myself having to think more about my actions and how they will affect others in the house. Which I think is a good thing, we should all learn to be a little more aware of how our actions affect those around us. ( Check out the book " Serve God, Save The Planet"- that was for you Dave) Anyway Pine Ridge is a unique place. Coming here as the first staff and not really knowing what we would be doing or who we would be working with was kind of nerve racking. Being here for only a week we have found so many people doing so many amazing things around the reservation, everything form afterschool programs to prison ministries and free meals. There are amazing people here, who I will work with. I hope that whatever it is I do, God receives the glory.


P.S. Number 4 represents the community we live in, because there are no addresses, numbers are given.

I usually don't have a problem sleeping in church

When I wake this morning I will be driving to my new home in Pine Ridge. I have already tried to sleep once tonight, but clearly my thoughts are having their way. I can't quiet the thoughts of nervousness. I can't quiet the thoughts of excitement, and I can't quiet the thoughts of fear. All I can do is daydream about what's to come.

Change

I am leaving Minnesota and moving to South Dakota in twenty some days. I feel like inside of me there is a distant suspicision that I won't be coming back. I have nothing more than a feeling, and to be honest "feelings" are my biggest motivator to do anything. Reasoning and decision making are not strong suits of mine, because I am moved more by feelings. I can't descibe it anymore than that. I can never say I have made a decision because God told me to, but how do I know. Maybe God messes with the chemical inside my head, and makes me "feel" like I should or should not be doing something. My decision to do Greaterworks was an easy one, because I could honestly feel like I was supposed to be there. I pray that I will never lose my ability to feel, I pray I can be moved and not held back by people or objects. I pray that I will be moved to change and to not stop changing.

First Blog

I hope I can always write this blog without motive. I have a hard time writing because i feel sometimes I write to make people feel or think a certain way about me. I hope this can just be for me a place to express thoughts and feelings and write them down to always be reminded of who I was, and what I was thinking here and now. I am in a place of transition. I quit my full time job to do ministry for a year. I'll be honest I do worry if it was the right decision, but who is to say what the right decision really is. Also who's to say that the things I worry about (money, future, comfort) are really worth worrying about. If I were to be honest ,in my heart I am not worried, I cant wait. Although there are parts of my flesh that continue to bring up those "what are you gonna do about-----------" questions, I am working to feel complete in who God made me and where he will take me. It feels right now like an adventure, and I hope it always does.

I Don't Know Anything

I Don't Know Anything!