I had a moment in Austin MN soon after Lizzie and I returned from Pine Ridge that I'd like to share. I was walking outside my friends Hopes' parents house, and I looked up at the sky and my eyes started to tear up. For a reason I can't quite explain. By myself in the middle of an average American town, my soul was stirred. It's a feeling I am starting to attribute to change. That somehow when I go new places or meet new people or experience new things, something within me is stirred. I'm currently in Philadelphia and I have been moved by a number of things on this trip, all of which I attribute to my current change of scenery. I'm going to try and post a few of them throughout my time here but I'll start with just one. I watched an episode of 16 & Pregnant on MTV. It's a show that follows a young girl/couple who are pregnant. They show a few months leading up to the birth and a few after. It is heart-wrenching*.It made my skin crawl thinking what if this was my child. In the episode I watched it was so obivious that the boy/father-to-be did not care about the girl/mother-to-be. He was always rude, rarely came around, and even made her feel self conscious about her body image. The climax of the show comes when the boy texts messages the girl with a slew of insults and a demand to longer be part of there "mistake." Immaturity looks horrible. When I watch these kids deal with there situation it breaks my heart. I feel lucky to have escaped those teenage years with very few scars. All this to say that the evil in this world is so ugly and so painful, that when I watch a TV show I can't help but think God how can THIS be made right. I hope that from the deepest darkest cracks that are/will be inflicted on this baby girl, God will plant seeds and those seeds will bloom into beautiful flowers, more beautiful then I could ever imagine.
*I believe reality TV isn't really reality, and I'm sure some of it is scripted or planned but there is something about these young kids and the situation there in which is so real, that even though MTV is there to produce a show, these kids are faced with a situation that leads to a realness rarely seen on TV.
You may be wondering how I attribute these thoughts to my change of scenery. Well, I would probably never have watched that show back home, and even if I had I wouldn't have taken the time alone with my thoughts to really think about these kids. I understand there are things in this world of greater concern and that time spent thinking about MTV shows may not be of great value to some, but for who I am right now, this was a gift. It makes me thankful for my parents, it makes me scared for Nash, and it humbles me before a God who loves me in my rebellion. Who leads my in my immaturity. Who corrects me in my self righteousness. Thank You God.
strengths LOSER!
I took a strengths finder test a while back and my strengths were as Follows 1.Adaptability 2.Input 3.Developer 4.Connectedness 5.Empathy.
The strength that I feel is most prevalent in my daily life is empathy. I usually make my decisions with others feelings in mind. I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing but it can be if I don't know how people actually feel. Sometimes I feel torn on how to act, because I constantly processing how people feel. Example - I was sitting at Stacys house and Leon was cooking a big dinner for us to eat, before dinner stacy asks if she should make some shrimp to add to the meal, Leon said no (in a way that made me think he didn't feel his meal needed anything else), and then the question is posed to me. Heres where my empathy takes over, I don't want Stacy to feel like I dont want her shrimp, but I also dont want Leon to feel like his dinner isn't good enough. so what did I do,I froze, I muttered some jumbled words that no one was able to understand (even me).It was pretty awkward. It's almost as if I can't shut my empathy off. I can't make a decision without considering how is this going to make people feel. It can even annoy others. My friend Zach was making dinner one evening for himself and hope, and then he asked if I wanted dinner, to which I said yes. Grilled cheese and soup, he had two cans of soup, he was only planning on making one, It seemed to me to be a two serving can. So when Zach asked me if I wanted soup I froze, I thought that If I said yes to soup, either he would have to open up another can of soup, (which I assumed to be an inconvenience) or he and hope would have to go with a smaller serving than they originally planned on. so I mumbled something about not needing soup, and two cans compared to one, and all Zach wanted was a yes or no. We all had a small bowl and we all were happy. Why did I stress, of course I wanted soup, I love soup. Clearly I didn't know what Zach wanted. Situations like this make me dislike my Empathy. I know I have been wonderfully made, but sometimes I wish I was more assertive and spoke my mind. I don't know why I feel the need to tell everyone this, but If your ever in a situation where you want my opinion and I give you some vague passive answer, now you know why.
The strength that I feel is most prevalent in my daily life is empathy. I usually make my decisions with others feelings in mind. I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing but it can be if I don't know how people actually feel. Sometimes I feel torn on how to act, because I constantly processing how people feel. Example - I was sitting at Stacys house and Leon was cooking a big dinner for us to eat, before dinner stacy asks if she should make some shrimp to add to the meal, Leon said no (in a way that made me think he didn't feel his meal needed anything else), and then the question is posed to me. Heres where my empathy takes over, I don't want Stacy to feel like I dont want her shrimp, but I also dont want Leon to feel like his dinner isn't good enough. so what did I do,I froze, I muttered some jumbled words that no one was able to understand (even me).It was pretty awkward. It's almost as if I can't shut my empathy off. I can't make a decision without considering how is this going to make people feel. It can even annoy others. My friend Zach was making dinner one evening for himself and hope, and then he asked if I wanted dinner, to which I said yes. Grilled cheese and soup, he had two cans of soup, he was only planning on making one, It seemed to me to be a two serving can. So when Zach asked me if I wanted soup I froze, I thought that If I said yes to soup, either he would have to open up another can of soup, (which I assumed to be an inconvenience) or he and hope would have to go with a smaller serving than they originally planned on. so I mumbled something about not needing soup, and two cans compared to one, and all Zach wanted was a yes or no. We all had a small bowl and we all were happy. Why did I stress, of course I wanted soup, I love soup. Clearly I didn't know what Zach wanted. Situations like this make me dislike my Empathy. I know I have been wonderfully made, but sometimes I wish I was more assertive and spoke my mind. I don't know why I feel the need to tell everyone this, but If your ever in a situation where you want my opinion and I give you some vague passive answer, now you know why.
Gospel Fellowship
View Larger Map
This is a street view picture of the Church Lizzie and I(and Nash I guess)attended when we lived in Pine Ridge. While looking at Googles street views of pine ridge I figured out that these pictures were taken while we were living there. So there is a small chance that I am inside of that church playing ping pong with Belva. Both of us practicing to beat Leon whenever we play him next. Or maybe Leon is inside, preparing one of the many amazing feasts he would make for us. Regardless it has been cool to see the church again, even if it is an old picture on a computer screen. It fills my head with all the amazing memories I made in that place.
Adore Him?
As Dave and I drove to work this morning I read a sign posted in front of a local church that read "come let us adore him - Friday Dec 24th 7pm." The skeptic within me wanted to ask that congregation "what does it mean to adore Jesus?" That probably stems from the fact that I can't really recall ever ADORING Jesus.(but of course I have sang that ever popular X-mas song "Oh come let US adore him") I have learned a little bit about adoration recently from Nash. He has a thing for his mother. Somehow no matter who else is around or what is going on, his eyes always seem to gravitate towards his mother. He gets a deep, loving look in his eyes and when she looks back at him he smiles. It's beautiful.
I have a thing for metaphors when it comes to situations like this. Situations where Love and Beauty and Relationships are main characters. So in thinking about Nash adoring his mother. I wanted to say that I wish I adored Jesus like that, that despite all the christmas parties and commercialism and gifts, my eyes would gravitate towards Jesus. Then I thought of it the other way, what if Jesus is adoring us. What if he is just staring at us with adoration and love in his eyes..... waiting.....waiting for our eyes to meet his.
Maybe there is a metaphor,maybe there isn't.
Either way I'm sure its way beyond my comprehension.
I have a thing for metaphors when it comes to situations like this. Situations where Love and Beauty and Relationships are main characters. So in thinking about Nash adoring his mother. I wanted to say that I wish I adored Jesus like that, that despite all the christmas parties and commercialism and gifts, my eyes would gravitate towards Jesus. Then I thought of it the other way, what if Jesus is adoring us. What if he is just staring at us with adoration and love in his eyes..... waiting.....waiting for our eyes to meet his.
Maybe there is a metaphor,maybe there isn't.
Either way I'm sure its way beyond my comprehension.
I
I am unable to will myself to change. I lack any form of self discipline. My foolish attempts at love and service are self serving and filled with alterior motives. I don't accept love unless it comes in the form I prefer. I - I - I. I am tormented by sinful desires and selfish ambitions. I am looking out for I. I am obsessed with I. I am in love with I. I wish it wasn't this way, I wish I could kill I. I will even convince myself that this blog is a step in the right direction. Yet I will check this blog day after day to see how many comments it receives, to see how loved I is.
NASH
I have a son, a little boy who hasn't stopped growing. I love calling him my little boy, I love being able to hold his whole body in my arms. I love watching him struggle to get his thumb in his mouth. I love watching him smile at his mom. I want him to stay small.
He likes to be wrapped up with his arms tight to his body. Sometimes, for a reason unkown to me his arms seem to flail as if he feels really unstable or unsafe or something. I have learned that when he is feeling this way if I put my thumb in his hands, hold his arms and pull them close to his body he calms down and sometimes falls asleep. It’s a beautiful moment.
Watching others interact with Nash has been really cool. I am surprised by how a baby can bring out the desire to touch and hold and kiss, Nash has received so much physical touch these last twelve weeks from so many of my friends and relatives, it is a neat thing to see people who you rarely see giving affection, doing just that. I wonder when people lose that desire to hold and kiss others? If we never stopped physically showing those around us that they are loved, how would our world be different?
He likes to be wrapped up with his arms tight to his body. Sometimes, for a reason unkown to me his arms seem to flail as if he feels really unstable or unsafe or something. I have learned that when he is feeling this way if I put my thumb in his hands, hold his arms and pull them close to his body he calms down and sometimes falls asleep. It’s a beautiful moment.
Watching others interact with Nash has been really cool. I am surprised by how a baby can bring out the desire to touch and hold and kiss, Nash has received so much physical touch these last twelve weeks from so many of my friends and relatives, it is a neat thing to see people who you rarely see giving affection, doing just that. I wonder when people lose that desire to hold and kiss others? If we never stopped physically showing those around us that they are loved, how would our world be different?
this year
What if Jonah didn't know he was supposed to go to Ninevah? I have felt recently that Lizzie and I needed to make a decision soon about what this year was going to look like. We were either going to stay here and I would work for Youthworks, or pack it up and move back to Pine Ridge. I asked God repeatedly to help us in this decision. No answer. (at least that is hows it seems) So when the paper was put in front of me to work for youthworks this next year I froze. I just wanted an answer. I wanted peace that the decision I would be making was the right one. But peace never came, so I signed the paper and here I am. I don't regret the decision at all, I just wish I knew where God is bringing us.
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