As Dave and I drove to work this morning I read a sign posted in front of a local church that read "come let us adore him - Friday Dec 24th 7pm." The skeptic within me wanted to ask that congregation "what does it mean to adore Jesus?" That probably stems from the fact that I can't really recall ever ADORING Jesus.(but of course I have sang that ever popular X-mas song "Oh come let US adore him") I have learned a little bit about adoration recently from Nash. He has a thing for his mother. Somehow no matter who else is around or what is going on, his eyes always seem to gravitate towards his mother. He gets a deep, loving look in his eyes and when she looks back at him he smiles. It's beautiful.
I have a thing for metaphors when it comes to situations like this. Situations where Love and Beauty and Relationships are main characters. So in thinking about Nash adoring his mother. I wanted to say that I wish I adored Jesus like that, that despite all the christmas parties and commercialism and gifts, my eyes would gravitate towards Jesus. Then I thought of it the other way, what if Jesus is adoring us. What if he is just staring at us with adoration and love in his eyes..... waiting.....waiting for our eyes to meet his.
Maybe there is a metaphor,maybe there isn't.
Either way I'm sure its way beyond my comprehension.
I
I am unable to will myself to change. I lack any form of self discipline. My foolish attempts at love and service are self serving and filled with alterior motives. I don't accept love unless it comes in the form I prefer. I - I - I. I am tormented by sinful desires and selfish ambitions. I am looking out for I. I am obsessed with I. I am in love with I. I wish it wasn't this way, I wish I could kill I. I will even convince myself that this blog is a step in the right direction. Yet I will check this blog day after day to see how many comments it receives, to see how loved I is.
NASH
I have a son, a little boy who hasn't stopped growing. I love calling him my little boy, I love being able to hold his whole body in my arms. I love watching him struggle to get his thumb in his mouth. I love watching him smile at his mom. I want him to stay small.
He likes to be wrapped up with his arms tight to his body. Sometimes, for a reason unkown to me his arms seem to flail as if he feels really unstable or unsafe or something. I have learned that when he is feeling this way if I put my thumb in his hands, hold his arms and pull them close to his body he calms down and sometimes falls asleep. It’s a beautiful moment.
Watching others interact with Nash has been really cool. I am surprised by how a baby can bring out the desire to touch and hold and kiss, Nash has received so much physical touch these last twelve weeks from so many of my friends and relatives, it is a neat thing to see people who you rarely see giving affection, doing just that. I wonder when people lose that desire to hold and kiss others? If we never stopped physically showing those around us that they are loved, how would our world be different?
He likes to be wrapped up with his arms tight to his body. Sometimes, for a reason unkown to me his arms seem to flail as if he feels really unstable or unsafe or something. I have learned that when he is feeling this way if I put my thumb in his hands, hold his arms and pull them close to his body he calms down and sometimes falls asleep. It’s a beautiful moment.
Watching others interact with Nash has been really cool. I am surprised by how a baby can bring out the desire to touch and hold and kiss, Nash has received so much physical touch these last twelve weeks from so many of my friends and relatives, it is a neat thing to see people who you rarely see giving affection, doing just that. I wonder when people lose that desire to hold and kiss others? If we never stopped physically showing those around us that they are loved, how would our world be different?
this year
What if Jonah didn't know he was supposed to go to Ninevah? I have felt recently that Lizzie and I needed to make a decision soon about what this year was going to look like. We were either going to stay here and I would work for Youthworks, or pack it up and move back to Pine Ridge. I asked God repeatedly to help us in this decision. No answer. (at least that is hows it seems) So when the paper was put in front of me to work for youthworks this next year I froze. I just wanted an answer. I wanted peace that the decision I would be making was the right one. But peace never came, so I signed the paper and here I am. I don't regret the decision at all, I just wish I knew where God is bringing us.
7/6/09
This has been a special day. Really it started at 10:30 on sunday evening when Lizzies contractions started to come more and more frequent. Me, Lizzie Zach and Hope were under the impression that any minute we would be rushing to the hospital, we tried to keep ourselves busy with Catan, fill or bust, and even a dice version of shuffleboard we made up. Well it didnt happen as quickly as it seems and after a whole night of Lizzie having contractions every 4-10 minutes, at 6:00 am we decided to go to the hospital. Things never really got going enough to have a baby, but I will always remember this day. Today my wife screamed with pain every five minutes and I could do nothing but comfort her, she cried with a deep longing for results. We saw very little progress most of the day, and now Lizzie is in a drug induced sleep. I am laying in a couch typing this blog and every five minutes I put the computer down and I press one hand against Lizzies back and rub her cramping calf with my other, while she moans in pain. I cant seem to stop thinking that these drugs that promise pain relief and rest can not stop this pain that promises a miracle.
This pain in my back
Yesterday as I carried something up the stairs I felt a pain in my back. My body was telling me what I was carrying was to heavy. This is a new feeling to me,in my head I have always felt if I will myself to do something, my body will just do it. Yesterday that wasn't the case.
What if the responsibility of being a father that is slowly being placed on me is starting to weigh me down? I wonder if I wasn't going to be a father, would my back have hurt yesterday?
What if my back knew that soon it will be bending over and lifting a baby, and because my heart can't wait to lift up that little nashty boy*, my heart was telling my back to take it easy.
What if I'm just getting old?
Whatever the reason for the pain in my back. I wan't to believe that somehow subconsiously my body is preparing for fatherhood. I have this feeling that soon no matter what I do, my baby boy will be a big factor in my decisions. Maybe even my decision to lift heavy boxes.
But I felt the same way about being married, that somehow I would start to consider Lizzie in all my decisions. But thats not the case, I still make selfish decisions without regard for Lizzie.
I dont really know where I am going with this but it's almost as if a change is taking place in me and I can't really describe it just yet, but I can't wait.
*His name is gonna be Nash, and I'm gonna call him my little nashty boy.
What if the responsibility of being a father that is slowly being placed on me is starting to weigh me down? I wonder if I wasn't going to be a father, would my back have hurt yesterday?
What if my back knew that soon it will be bending over and lifting a baby, and because my heart can't wait to lift up that little nashty boy*, my heart was telling my back to take it easy.
What if I'm just getting old?
Whatever the reason for the pain in my back. I wan't to believe that somehow subconsiously my body is preparing for fatherhood. I have this feeling that soon no matter what I do, my baby boy will be a big factor in my decisions. Maybe even my decision to lift heavy boxes.
But I felt the same way about being married, that somehow I would start to consider Lizzie in all my decisions. But thats not the case, I still make selfish decisions without regard for Lizzie.
I dont really know where I am going with this but it's almost as if a change is taking place in me and I can't really describe it just yet, but I can't wait.
*His name is gonna be Nash, and I'm gonna call him my little nashty boy.
and now.....
I'm back in minneapolis. People ask me alot if I miss Pine Ridge, or how it feels to be back. I don't quite know yet. I do know that I miss my friends in Pine Ridge. I do know that a 9-5 job can really suck the life from me. I do know that the eight months I spent in Pine Ridge were an amazing gift, a time to relax and learn and reflect on who I am. I do know that I haven't stop moving since I've been home. I miss the big skies in South Dakota, I almost feel as if trees and buildings and elevation changes distract me from the awe I felt when all I could see in every direction was more sky. I need to know how big my creator is. What if buildings are this conspiracy that satan has to block our view of the heavens. I can still see the sky here in Minneapolis, but it almost feels like I have to try hard. I feel like this is the case with my relationship with God also. I feel as if in Pine Ridge I was living in tune with God, like no matter what I was doing I was reminded that God was near me. Now I feel as if I have to work hard to see God in my daily life. So if you think of it ask me if I'm seeking God, ask me if I have looked up to the skies and stood in awe at my creator, because there are alot of buildings around me.
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