Teething

I never expected teething to be a big deal. I had rarely heard anyone talk about the pain a baby goes through as teeth push through there gums. I started to write a blog about my recent roadtrip with my guy friends, but I was interrupted by the sound of Nash screaming. These moments are hard for me. I have to wade through thoughts like "If you go in there every time he cries he'll never be able to fall back asleep without you" or "If I don't go in there as Nash screams at the top of his lungs will he start to feel that we don't care about him." Tonight I went in, and it was pretty clear his teeth were the reason for his pain. His hands were in his mouth and he was soaked in sweat. I sat with him in his rocking chair and he drank a little milk and we talked about his dog, and I blew on the back of his neck and head where sweat had pressed all his hair down. We rocked in silence for a few minutes, (which rarely ever happens) I reminded him of how loved he his and then I lay him in bed and he fell asleep.   Some of these nights have led to fights between Lizzie and I about what to do, some I have slept through, and some like tonight I held and tried to comfort him. I would never wish pain on Nash, but our interaction tonight was beautiful, and without the pain we may have never had that.

me & U

Tonight I give thanks

who knows where I'll be tomorrow

Tonight I'm aware of Your blessings

who knows where I'll be tomorrow

Tonight I praise You for the wind and the rain

who knows where I'll be tomorrow

Tonight I bask in Your goodness

who knows where I'll be tomorrow

but tonight is to easy

and despite where I'll be tomorrow

Your mercies are new every morning

Goodbye months, hello years

Last year at this time, Lizzie and I were anxiously awaiting the arrival of Nash. This year we are starting to pack up our stuff to begin our new adventure together. Valley View Apartments!  It's just your average apartment, but I'm really excited for it. Lizzie and I have not lived by ourselves for 2.5 years. It's hard to know what to expect, so I'm just expecting to be surprised. As I get older it feels like years go by very fast. I mean Nash is already a year old! I feel like I need to take more time processing the ways in which he is changing. This morning Lizzie and I couldn't remember how old he was when he started crawling. I know it's really not that big of a deal, but I just feel like there is probably other parts of his growth that are fresh in my mind today, but may soon be forgotten. I don't want to forget the fact that he bites the edges of tables at restaurants, or that he loves vacuums, or that he squints his eyes shut when he smiles at strangers. So, I am going to be more intentional about either writing or videotaping or blogging about how he is changing or funny stuff he does, so stay tuned. I may need your help, so remind me to slow down and enjoy Nash in his current stage.

U&I

I painted this picture a few months back when I was in Philadephia. Lizzie and I were talking through some possibilities for the future. Despite my opinions on all the options one thing was constant. I was filled with joy as I was reminded that no matter where life takes us, I will always have Lizzie with me. So the words Anxious - Anticipation sum up my desire to know what the future holds. But as the U and the I come together it's yelllow. Yellow is the color of sunshine, it means happiness. So this is really a reflection on the happiness I feel knowing that Lizzie and I will always be together.

Plans?

Last week I told Youthworks that  Lizzie and I would be staying in Minnesota for the time being. I felt good about the decision, I had a sense of being certain that God is leading us even though I'm uncertain of his will in it all. Soon after telling Youthworks we would be staying we got a call from our good friends in Pine Ridge with news of a house for rent in Whiteclay Nebraska, just a few miles from them. This led me to contemplate if we made the right decision.
 At our last family meeting my friend Lea asked me "what does this thinking say about who you believe God is?" This question was really interesting. I had never really thought along these lines. As I started think about it, I came to a realization that I am looking to please God with this decision. Like in some way God wants us to be in one place over the other, and that we need to somehow figure out where he wants us, and if we don't we would be running from where God wants us.
I don't want to believe that way. I don't believe God is concerned with every little decision we make. I believe he ultimately knows what we will end up doing, but does he have a preference? Jonah was called by God to Ninevah. What if Jonah thought the voice he heard was just in his head, and didn't go. Would he still have been eaten by a whale? That is where I am with all of this. Lots of things come up and remind me of Pine Ridge, and I have a desire to go back, and sometimes I can convince myself that when I see "Sundance firewood" for sale that God is reminding me of Pine Ridge. If God is calling us to Pine Ridge, I need him to speak a little louder. Even if he doesn't I'm still reminded of this verse: "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps".  Lizzie and I are not big planners. As of today we are planning to stay in Minnesota. Who knows what tommorow will look like. God is good.

"even if He doesn't"

This is the first painting I did after my Greaterworks year. The idea came to me from a comment my friend Belva made during a morning bible study. We were reading the story of shadrach meshach and abednego . Belva after reading the story told us that her favorite part was when they say "Even if he doesn't" -now I have claimed that to be my favorite part.

June 1

I just got out of a meeting with HR at my job. I talked about my future, and all it's possibilities. I talked about moving back to Pine Ridge. I talked about going back to school, I talked about staying at YW. I just wanted them to know that change may be coming. I remember when I first got back from Pine Ridge and my current job was offered to me, I shook in my chair as a decision was placed before me that I had to make. I wondered if I was making the right choice. Today while talking to HR I wrote on a piece of paper "I'm nervous- but not nearly as nervous as I was about taking the job." I haven't made a decision yet, but I was given a date. June 1st. I need to let YW know by June 1st what next year will look like. This is good, because even though Lizzie and I are constantly talking about the possibilities, we don't necessarily feel the pressure to make a decision anytime soon. So now we have a deadline to decide where we go from here. I hope that when June 1st comes and I'm sitting in that chair again I'm confident in our decision. If you think of it pray for us. Thank You

God - Radio

I lost my iPod somewhere on this trip. So I have been listening to the radio a lot. I'm not writing about the fact that popular stations only play like 6 songs with a few others thrown in - which is super annoying. When I think of music as art, I want to believe people who write songs are inspired by something that motivates them to write what they do. Listening to the radio stations around here I here a lot of todays rap-pop stuff. Most of what I hear is about love and sex. When I was little I heard songs with lyrics like "lets talk about sex baby lets talk about you and me". My son Nash will here lyrics like "you spin my head right round when you go down" and "I like it when you touch me there I like it when you pull my hair." all this to say sex/love constantly inspires people to write. People continue to try and put into words what exactly it is love does to them or what sex does for them. As vulgar as a lot of the songs are on the radio these days I find it amazing that love affects everyone form 80's hair bands to gangster rappers. Donald Miller wrote in To own a Dragon-
"I wondered if sliding our arms around a woman's hips wasn't a kind of infantile introduction to the metaphysical. If I allow myself I can see God holding up flashcards as I fall in love with a woman, cards that say, this is love, i am like this love only better"see, God says, pointing at the flashcard with the word "love" then pointing at his chest while I move down the woman's lips to her chin and neck. "See" God says putting down the "love" and picking up the "oneness" He says, "Get it? Do you see? It's all living metaphors. It's a hint of oneness- Like my trinity!"
If these earthly experiences and feelings that inspire these songs we here on the radio are God dropping hints. I can listen to this music and ask what is it that inspired "you spin my head right round when you go down," and think that God is showing this person that submission in the right context is a beautiful thing.

Somehow sex and love feels like a risk reward scenario that God was faced with. Like God knew he wanted people to experience a glimpse of what a relationship with him was like so he created relationships and sex. The risk was that people would take only the superficial things they can recieve from them and not see it for what it was intended. The reward would be that people would learn what true intimacy was. That they would be drawn to a relationship with the one created us all. I don't claim to know anything I'm just throwing my thoughts out there for you to take them or leave them
PEACE.

Slow and steady

In my last blog I wrote that change stirs something in me. I don't necessarily think that God isn't showing me things during my day to day back home. I am starting to think that this change of scenery has just made me slow down. when I walked outside my friend hopes house my mind was clear, I looked up to the sky and just gave thanks to God. My soul was stirred. I didn't just glance up to the sky and continue thinking about all the things I needed to grab from our car. For some reason the change of pace brought on by a weekend away made me slow down and see the beauty in a clear sky. (despite austins streetlights) I wonder what it would take to live a life that at any moment you could shut it all off and close your eyes and feel how near God is.

God - MTV

I had a moment in Austin MN soon after Lizzie and I returned from Pine Ridge that I'd like to share. I was walking outside my friends Hopes' parents house, and I looked up at the sky and my eyes started to tear up. For a reason I can't quite explain. By myself in the middle of an average American town, my soul was stirred. It's a feeling I am starting to attribute to change. That somehow when I go new places or meet new people or experience new things, something within me is stirred. I'm currently in Philadelphia and I have been moved by a number of things on this trip, all of which I attribute to my current change of scenery. I'm going to try and post a few of them throughout my time here but I'll start with just one. I watched an episode of 16 & Pregnant on MTV. It's a show that follows a young girl/couple who are pregnant. They show a few months leading up to the birth and a few after. It is heart-wrenching*.It made my skin crawl thinking what if this was my child. In the episode I watched it was so obivious that the boy/father-to-be did not care about the girl/mother-to-be. He was always rude, rarely came around, and even made her feel self conscious about her body image. The climax of the show comes when the boy texts messages the girl with a slew of insults and a demand to longer be part of there "mistake." Immaturity looks horrible. When I watch these kids deal with there situation it breaks my heart. I feel lucky to have escaped those teenage years with very few scars. All this to say that the evil in this world is so ugly and so painful, that when I watch a TV show I can't help but think God how can THIS be made right. I hope that from the deepest darkest cracks that are/will be inflicted on this baby girl, God will plant seeds and those seeds will bloom into beautiful flowers, more beautiful then I could ever imagine.

*I believe reality TV isn't really reality, and I'm sure some of it is scripted or planned but there is something about these young kids and the situation there in which is so real, that even though MTV is there to produce a show, these kids are faced with a situation that leads to a realness rarely seen on TV.

You may be wondering how I attribute these thoughts to my change of scenery. Well, I would probably never have watched that show back home, and even if I had I wouldn't have taken the time alone with my thoughts to really think about these kids. I understand there are things in this world of greater concern and that time spent thinking about MTV shows may not be of great value to some, but for who I am right now, this was a gift. It makes me thankful for my parents, it makes me scared for Nash, and it humbles me before a God who loves me in my rebellion. Who leads my in my immaturity. Who corrects me in my self righteousness. Thank You God.

strengths LOSER!

I took a strengths finder test a while back and my strengths were as Follows 1.Adaptability 2.Input 3.Developer 4.Connectedness 5.Empathy.
The strength that I feel is most prevalent in my daily life is empathy. I usually make my decisions with others feelings in mind. I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing but it can be if I don't know how people actually feel. Sometimes I feel torn on how to act, because I constantly processing how people feel. Example - I was sitting at Stacys house and Leon was cooking a big dinner for us to eat, before dinner stacy asks if she should make some shrimp to add to the meal, Leon said no (in a way that made me think he didn't feel his meal needed anything else), and then the question is posed to me. Heres where my empathy takes over, I don't want Stacy to feel like I dont want her shrimp, but I also dont want Leon to feel like his dinner isn't good enough. so what did I do,I froze, I muttered some jumbled words that no one was able to understand (even me).It was pretty awkward. It's almost as if I can't shut my empathy off. I can't make a decision without considering how is this going to make people feel. It can even annoy others. My friend Zach was making dinner one evening for himself and hope, and then he asked if I wanted dinner, to which I said yes. Grilled cheese and soup, he had two cans of soup, he was only planning on making one, It seemed to me to be a two serving can. So when Zach asked me if I wanted soup I froze, I thought that If I said yes to soup, either he would have to open up another can of soup, (which I assumed to be an inconvenience) or he and hope would have to go with a smaller serving than they originally planned on. so I mumbled something about not needing soup, and two cans compared to one, and all Zach wanted was a yes or no. We all had a small bowl and we all were happy. Why did I stress, of course I wanted soup, I love soup. Clearly I didn't know what Zach wanted. Situations like this make me dislike my Empathy. I know I have been wonderfully made, but sometimes I wish I was more assertive and spoke my mind. I don't know why I feel the need to tell everyone this, but If your ever in a situation where you want my opinion and I give you some vague passive answer, now you know why.

Gospel Fellowship

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This is a street view picture of the Church Lizzie and I(and Nash I guess)attended when we lived in Pine Ridge. While looking at Googles street views of pine ridge I figured out that these pictures were taken while we were living there. So there is a small chance that I am inside of that church playing ping pong with Belva. Both of us practicing to beat Leon whenever we play him next. Or maybe Leon is inside, preparing one of the many amazing feasts he would make for us. Regardless it has been cool to see the church again, even if it is an old picture on a computer screen. It fills my head with all the amazing memories I made in that place.