Yesterday as I carried something up the stairs I felt a pain in my back. My body was telling me what I was carrying was to heavy. This is a new feeling to me,in my head I have always felt if I will myself to do something, my body will just do it. Yesterday that wasn't the case.
What if the responsibility of being a father that is slowly being placed on me is starting to weigh me down? I wonder if I wasn't going to be a father, would my back have hurt yesterday?
What if my back knew that soon it will be bending over and lifting a baby, and because my heart can't wait to lift up that little nashty boy*, my heart was telling my back to take it easy.
What if I'm just getting old?
Whatever the reason for the pain in my back. I wan't to believe that somehow subconsiously my body is preparing for fatherhood. I have this feeling that soon no matter what I do, my baby boy will be a big factor in my decisions. Maybe even my decision to lift heavy boxes.
But I felt the same way about being married, that somehow I would start to consider Lizzie in all my decisions. But thats not the case, I still make selfish decisions without regard for Lizzie.
I dont really know where I am going with this but it's almost as if a change is taking place in me and I can't really describe it just yet, but I can't wait.
*His name is gonna be Nash, and I'm gonna call him my little nashty boy.
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1 comment:
jake, you WILL be a great father. and i think God has probably been doing lots of work already that you can't quite describe or understand. he's been preparing your heart, your mind and your attitude...all for the arrival of your little nashty boy. hah.
i've been told that it's hard to comprehend having a kid, and having to give up so many of our own desires for the sake of the new child. but as hard, or strange as it might feel/seem at first to do that, i think it only gets easier, and it will become natural. your new baby, naturally, will be among the first things you consider in each and every decision.
that's part of parenthood.
so don't worry about letting him down. don't worry about not being 'the best', or the most prepared. it's going to be a big deal, but one that i know you are more than ready to handle. it's instinct, and because you are a caring person to begin with, you'll do that much better.
can't wait to meet the little guy!
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